It’s a choice.

It’s a level of maturity, trust, integrity, and intimacy that is not instantly gratified. Communication is one of the things that you really work on during this period of time. It is a prized possession and focal point of building the foundation with that special person. It’s not something to be taken lightly. For some people it works, for others it’s dependent on self will.

Here are some quick stats I came across online:

Quick Stats

  • 14 million couples define themselves as having a long distance relationship
  • 3.75 million married couples are in a long distance relationship
  • 32.5 % of all long distance relationships are college relationships
  • 75 % of all engaged couples have been (at some point) in a long distance relationship
  • 2.9 % of all married couples in the states live in a long distance relationship
  • 10 % of all marriages in the states started out as a long distance relationship

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for three years. I recently got engaged last year (November 2018) and when people hear this, the typical response is:

“Aren’t you afraid of infidelity?”

“You’re strong…and you haven’t looked at anyone else within the area?”

“I have sexual needs… that’s too much.”

“I need affection everyday and that person close to me. I need to see them everyday, hear from them everyday.”

“I wouldn’t be able to keep faithful knowing my personality…my eyes would wander.”

“How many times do you see each other a year?”

“Someone has to move and it wouldn’t be me.”

“Aren’t you afraid the person will change when you both move in together?”

Let me address these comments and questions for you:

“Aren’t you afraid of infidelity?”

Everyone is afraid of infidelity, whether in close proximity or in distance. No one likes getting hurt or feeling betrayed.

People don’t like wasting time. Now how you invest your time and how you manage your time is sincerely up to you.

Realistically speaking, infidelity truly comes from lack of appreciation and strained communication.

Are you aware of your significant other’s feelings, emotions, ambitions, growing pains? Are you aware that they are in that relationship with you, not against you. This foundation requires working as a conglomerate while maintaining individual growth.

So am I afraid of infidelity, of course but does it override my core values with this person, no.

You’re strong…and you haven’t looked at anyone else within the area?”

I’ve had the opportunity to date prior to my relationship. The issue with most males I encountered were that they were looking for sexual situationships and not really looking for a quality situation. I went a whole year without intimacy and sexual intercourse and took time to get to know myself and when I actually opened up to dating, I came into it with a clear mind. I assessed the difference between dating and monogamy. I was forthcoming with my wants, my needs, my goals, and ambitions. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be physically intimate at this time. When I made my standard clear, the men I encountered tested it and when they saw I was serious, they quickly fell to the waste side. They enjoyed the conversation but had no control over me in terms of being a situation.

And even if a gentleman was interested, again prior to my relationship. They never were vocal; they’d look provide a compliment but never went for the gusto. Closed mouths don’t get fed!

“How many times do you see each other a year?”

4-5 times a year. Relationships as a whole are expensive. You don’t realize it is because you’re so into the person and you don’t mind coming out of pocket. When you’re in a long distance relationship, you become more aware of your finances, time management, responsibilities, bills, and debt.

You become practical instead of illogical.

Quality time is legitimately quality. There is sacrifice on both parts from bus rides, long drives, plane tickets, hotel stay, paid experiences together. It adds up. And to be honest you can get that from a close proximity relationship but that comes with true understanding of one’s self and realizing there is a time for everything.

If someone or something is worth your time you will make any and every effort to make it work.

Aren’t you afraid the person will change when you both move in together?”

Change is going to happen whether we’re ready for it or not. We don’t know a person truly by the few days we spend and this is where maturity and understanding comes in. It’s an eye opener, a game changer and again this is where vulnerability and responsibility meet face to face.

I’m ready for that change and challenge.

As for the commentary:

You’re only afraid of what you have no discipline for.

If someone has to move or change what they are doing in order to accommodate your fears initially, you’ve already have predestined the relationship to be of pure selfish gain. Sex should not be the only thing that keeps your attention to a person and if it is, you eventually will lose interest once the person is not fulfilling the other aspects of wellness. There are different forms of intimacy and people forget that not everything has to be physically based.

Learn to communicate your fears, your apprehensiveness, learn to be direct about what is important to you if you choose to move forward with this person.

Talk about the future, talk about the vision, and learn to listen. With a long distance relationship or any relationship for that matter, the end goal is to build up to marriage. This process of courting is supposed to build to a mutual goal both parties have and if it’s not a conversation, then we’re wasting time either way.

So before you judge a person who is in a long distance relationship, think about your approach, your plans, and your goals.

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